March 2010


Politics and Les SportsDave White on 22 Mar 2010 04:18 pm

For those neither living in nor descended from the holy six that is New England, Bill Belichik is some kid of monster. A loathsome ruthless win machine, desecrating the shield in a cold-blooded quest to squeeze any last possible competitive advantage out of an otherwise noble game. Man you effing hate that guy.

Unless, of course, you’re a Pats fan, in which case Bill Belichick is the Brawny Man studmuffin hero of all your athletic wants, hopes and dreams, a guy who may have long ago stopped being polite but started getting real real good at winning you football games. If he’s a total asshole, he’s our kind of total asshole.

Nancy Pelosi is the same dude, just a chick who does politics.

When your political instincts run counter to her ambitions, she’s a brutal botoxed witch, hell-bent on greedily violating the very fabric of American human existence. Ooohgrrr you hate her!

When she’s on your side, though, she’s queen Nancy the Hammer. For those pretty amped and excited over passage of health care reform, Pelosi today is basically Bill Belichick circa February 7th, 2005. You can’t get enough of that hooded sweatshirt tight skinned forehead and bad dye job.

UPDATE: Relatedly, I’m now hoping these two have an elicit, freewheeling, Woodsian affair. Pelosichick, maybe. Mmmm, wrinkly.

PoliticsDave White on 18 Mar 2010 12:49 pm

For the rest of the month, Outback Steakhouse will generously provide all veterans and active military with a free Bloomin’ Onion.

This promotion seems so painfully obvious, so clearly motivating for both service member and plain citizen alike, I’m surprised neither Presidents Bush nor Obama developed a similar deal when attempting to sell a souring public on their unpopular war plans.

What better way to inspire our men and women in uniform, while further promoting solidarity with their protectorates back home, than the far-off possibility of a limited time offer of an Australian recipe ripoff of Chili’s classic American Awesome Blossom?

These are the times that try men’s souls! He that stands by his country now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman, and a large, sliced onion, breaded, deep fried and arranged to look like a flower.*

Lucky for freedom, the savvy folks at Outback Steakhouse and OSI Restaurant Partners had the foresight to develop this promotion, thus circumventing what I am sure to be President Obama’s natural instincts toward a socialist Bloomin’ Onion handout; the free market saw a need and fulfilled it most efficiently.

Semper Fibloomin’ Onion.

* (Offer only available for the month of March at participating locations. Let’s not get too ridiculous.)

Pop CultureDave White on 16 Mar 2010 03:02 pm

I bet if Bach showed up in the present Bill & Ted-style and was like, “Yo, show me some music” we’d probably put on Lady Gaga “Telephone” and he’d be like, “Woa, wait, seriously?”

But then we’d show him some orchestral arrangements of Super Mario Bros. themes and he’d be all, “Ok, alright, I see what you guys are up to.”

TechnoDave White on 02 Mar 2010 02:51 pm

Conditions in Factory Farms are universally deplorable and a lot of people are starting to figure it out. You can tell this is true by the recent spike in references to Food Inc. in your Facebook newsfeed and the number of Colbert Report appearances by Michael Pollan and Jonathan Safran Foer.

Luckily scientists are hot on the trend and may have a solution, one ingeniously dependent on genetic modification of animal brains:

Recently, scientists have learned to genetically engineer animals so that they lack certain proteins that are important to the [sensation of pain.] When these mice encounter a painful stimulus, they withdraw their paws normally, but they do not become hypersensitive to a subsequent painful stimulus, as ordinary mice do.

I love science so much but this is one of those fundamentally flawed, fundamentally American approaches to problem solving:

AMERICANS: Man, I feel really bad about the horrible conditions for animals in factory farms.
COMMON SENSE: Yeah man, I feel you. Maybe we should stop eating them.
AMERICANS: Ehhhhhhh, I dunno. What if we spend millions of dollars genetically modifying their brains such that they’re physically incapable of sensing pain?
COMMON SENSE: Dude, seriously?
AMERICANS: SCIENCE!

Why solve problems elegantly with simple and responsible changes to our own behavior when we can use well funded science and comic book dreams to dramatically refashion sentient brains?