Bob Novak cites in his column the other day some Democratic grumblings over the “Nancy Problem” –– the party of poopers is apperently looking to orchestrate a coup d’etat ousting their loose hippy bimbo in chief. Is it time for Pelosi to bounce or be bounced? Heck yes!

I’ve never been down with Pelosi, and never quite figured out how she got to where she is now. Novak’s hypotheses is somewhat reasonable: Pelosi fell into the Democratic leadership role “by accident of geography” –– with Dems voting for Democratic Whip in 2001, Pelosi came in over Steny Hoyer 118 to 95. It’s a comfortable margin, save for the 30 or so votes that came (with potential reluctance) from fellow Californians. With that twist of fate in residence, Pelosi was propelled to heir apparent of Dick Gephardt’s caucus.

As if her accidental rise to power weren’t enough, Pelosi’s stalwart liberalism is really nothing more than a mishap as well. As Doug Ireland said on the eve of her leadership appointment four years ago, “Pelosi’s progressivism often seems more rooted in circumstance than in deep conviction.” Born in Maryland to the future Mayor of Baltimore, in the early 1970s Pelosi married her college sweetheart, a super wealthy San Franciscan lawyer whose brother sat with Harvey Milk on the San Fran Board of Supervisors (Milk is easily one of the top 9 Americans of the 20th century not to have an oscar-nominated biopic made about his life). Most of Pelosi’s liberalism stems from an obvious need to not piss off her San Franciscan base. She’s not a Paul Wellstone, intrinsically linked and forever associated with grass-roots progressivism. She’s not even the “San Francisco liberal” Repubs try to bill her; a lame, though effective, strategy to steer voters away from Dems nationwide for fear of putting some van-inhabiting, pantywaist Dead Head in the inevitable role of Speaker of the House. One of the wealthiest members of the US House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi is a straight-up, fat pockets, Hollywood-type pseudo-leftist — the kind that wears that watered-down, fake liberalism as a badge of condescending self-righteousness; the type to support progressive causes simply because it feels good to feel bad for others. She doesn’t do much else beyond just the feeling.

If there was ever a movie made about the US House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi would be played by Cameron Diaz. No no, eff that; if the US House of Representatives were to ever put on a play dramatizing that making of “The Sweetest Thing“, Cameron Diaz would be played by Nancy Pelosi. Really, Nancy Pelosi and Cameron Diaz could swap places right now and no one would even notice. Whether they did the switch like Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday, or more obviously, like an episode of Wife Swap, the status quo would remain entact. In fact, the switch would probably make for a terrible episode of Wife Swap. There would be no drama, things would proceed as normal, and many plastic soda can ringlets would be cut.

If you ask me, the “Nancy Problem” needs a “Nancy” Solution. If the Dems are looking for a bold leader, well then why NOT Barney Frank? Quel est le bon mot, M. le Frank?! Who needs Steny Hoyner when you can have the funniest, second brainiest man in the entire house; a guy who, no matter how he votes or what he thinks, is just fucking awesome. The shear righteousness of a Barney Frank Minority Leader is something awe-inspiring on its very front; he’s also one of the only Dems out there with any shot of rescuing the party and, in turn, our government.

While the Repubs are blowing to pieces as result of one banged manicurist, the Dems are sidestepping their biggest kill –– taking corruption head-on. Frank’s about one of the only guys in the House with any sort of teste-filled lobbying reform package. You can read up more here, listen up more here. If the Dems ever hope to capitalize on the absolute demolition of the crap-fest that poses for a Republican party right now, they’re going to need to step it up and fuck over some Lobbyists. That’s the only way to do it. As Josh Marshall says, “you can’t run on corruption if you’re not running for reform.” Frank and his homies (David Obey, David Price, Tom Allen) are the Dems’ only true chance of regaining any sort of ground as a party of awesome.